Tuesday night was one of the worst I have ever experienced, and I have experienced some very bad ones. If it had been malaria, I would have known what to expect, when it would get better, and I could have dealt with it. As it was, I had no idea what was happening, the doctor was in another town, and I discovered that the absolute worst was that I was going to have to go through it alone. There was no Karen to bring me a damp cloth for my forehead. No Karen to gently stroke my arm and tell me it would be all right. No Karen to bring in a chair so she could sit and watch me. No Karen to remind me of why I would want to live. As it was, I rather hoped for death a time or two just to relieve me of the pain. My rational self did not want to die—I’ve got too much still to do, but my hurting self, my all-alone self, he wanted out of here. Of course, John was here, but there is no son that can take the place of a wife like Karen. She loved me beyond my own imaginings, but she is gone. I’m a little better today and should be even better tomorrow, but time passes very slowly without the love and light of your life by your side.
On a lighter, brighter note, John and I had a turkey in the freezer (one of only four in twelve years), but it was really too big for just the two of us, so Friday, John is going to cook it and feed all our workers and give them all the leftovers to take home. It was John’s idea and a good one. Sons can make fathers proud. A true thanksgiving.
Doctor came and it turned out to be a particularly nasty case of gastritis coupled with two other infections that laid me really low. John knew that with his Asperger’s Syndrome he wouldn’t be able to help the way I needed, so he suggested I call my oldest son and talk to him. I did, and it was what I needed, so John was there for me. Have now taken medication for gastritis and will know in a couple of hours if it worked. Watch this space. Medication worked, so I should be able to sleep tonight. Karen never got onto me for whining, and I did my fair share. Now I miss being able to whine (except in my blog).