Tuesday, July 30, 2013

“Courage isn't having the strength to go on - it is going on when you don't have strength.” ― Napoleon Bonaparte

Never thought that I would quote Napoleon, but what he said is what I need to hear today.  I fear I am giving in to the feelings that I have been responsible for the wrongs that another man committed.  I've been playing "what if" and there is no way to win at that game.  I made a mistake.  A big one because I trusted a man and never checked more than a few times to see if he was doing what he said.  I have lived here long enough to know that you have to have daily oversight for anything that is important or makes use of large amounts of funds.  It was just too easy to stay here and not travel the thirty miles of bad roads to get to there.  Too easy to think I was saving money on diesel that could go to better use.  If you drive a nail into a board, you can pull the nail back out, but the hole remains in the board.  The scar doesn't go away because the source of the pain has been removed.  I am praying and reading and rereading the kind words others have sent by internet, but ultimately it is still my fault.  I'm not quite to feeling like the servant who hid the one talent the master had given him, but I'm not far off either.  Time doesn't necessarily heal, but maybe it will make it easier for me to live with myself.  Maybe I can find the courage to go on when I don't have the strength.  That's my task for now

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